Want to get on a pregnant ladies bad side? Here's how!

Alright, after this past week, I felt the overwhelming need to vent a little bit about what you should NEVER say to a pregnant lady.  And yes, every single one of these things have happened to me this week- in one form or another. 

1.)  "You're huge!" Or "Your getting so big!" Or any comment about how big she is. Women are sensitive about this sort of thing even when they're not pregnant, so to say it when she's knocked up? Not a good idea. If you absolutely must comment on her appearance, focus on something positive that has nothing to do with weight. Leave out any comment that refers to size, shape, or swelling. K thanks. I feel very good about my amount of weight gain thus far, but I still feel like a heffer sometimes.  So to comment on my weight/size of belly or anything else is just plain mean. And while we are talking about weight, just because she wants to finish her dinner with an extra chocolate brownie and a huge milkshake on the side, doesn't mean you should act like Dr. Phil and lecture her on what she should and shouldnt eat. She probably knows it. Its ok to indulge once in a while.

2.) Anything that starts with "When I was pregnant I never did that..." or any other form of trying to tell me what I should or should not be doing. This is specifically dedicated to a few people  at work that try and tell me everything i should never do...because when they had babies, they would never have done it. You shouldn't eat that, you shouldn't do that, you can't carry anything, caffeine is bad for the baby, etc.  I am so over people trying to tell me what I should do... I know my body, I know my limits, and I talk to my doctor about what I can and cannot do.  So keep your opinions to yourself! (Ok this came off a little rude, but seriously people... i get an opinion everyday!)  Example: I walked into starbucks today, and my bump was obvious, and these two over 40 year old women were starting at me like i was the spawn of satan for even thinking about ingesting a starbucks while preggo- well newsflash ladies- decaf is ok.  iced tea is ok.  and believe it or not, you CAN have caffeine when preggo, just not as much as you used to.  Another example? I shouldn't put my arms above my head or I might get my baby's umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and strangle her.  Come on people, get a hobby.  

3.) I lost all my baby weight within a month. Well, good for you, but it's not the same for everyone. Mama has enough to worry about, so no need to add another thing to stress over.  I will lose the weight, but I am sick of hearing all of these miracle stories of the baby coming and the weight coming off in 2 days.  Its like setting myself up for failure- when it doesn't happen, I will be freaking out. And gosh, I haven't even had the baby yet!  Not to mention most of the people saying this are those freaks of nature who never gain weight anyway, or who say they lost all the weight (but actually are 250 lbs and lying to themselves).

4.) "You need to take it easy" or any other comment referring to me being a form of handicap because I am preggo.  I appreciate it when people try and help, but i can carry the gallon of milk.  Also, pregnancy doesn't equal laziness, at least not with me. I sometimes wish I could be more lazy, but I am doing this alone.  I will continue working out 4 times a week until it is no longer possible, I will continue to mow my lawn, take out trash, and do everything else i have always done.  It seems as if people all forget that I am by myself- so it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.  I was mowing my lawn today, and a car drove by and the lady looked appalled that I was out in shorts and a tank top, preggo, doing lawn work.  What do they expect- I lay on my couch all day? (which i did do today, but not until after I finished my chores).

5.) It's because you're hormonal. It's never a good idea to bring up the topic of hormones to a woman who probably has raging hormones. Period. I joke about being hormonal, and if I bring it up, then its ok to laugh.  But you bring it up to me?  Don't do it.  And yes- for the record, I am- which means my mood can (and probably will) change on a dime.  The only other person that can talk to me about my hormones is my husband, who is the only person who can make me laugh in a time of major hormonal overload.  Thank GOD for him!  I fully acknowledge that some women truly are hormonal and might overreact to a situation. (Insert my picture here the last couple of days) But pregnant women in general get labeled as "hormonal" or "emotional" at the slightest sign of emotion, even if the other person is acting like a completely annoying jackass. So if you are being an annoying jackass, and then call the pregnant woman hormonal when she gets annoyed or mad at you, then just be prepared for the consequences.

6.) Wow you must be due really really soon!  There's nothing more annoying than having to clarify that you've got another 3 or 4 months to go. Seriously, if you don't know the due date, don't make this comment. And for the love of God, don't follow it up with "wow you've got 4 months still?? your baby is going to be a big one." Because due to my HORMONES, I might follow up your talking with a punch in your face.

7.) I had a friend that miscarried at 25 weeks/lost her baby during delivery/said that deliver was the worst pain the world and she barely lived through it.  Every pregnant woman knows that not every baby conceived is going to come into the world perfectly healthy, and every pregnant woman knows labor and delivery will probably not be a pain free experience. And yes, we know labor is going to be difficult, we don't need to hear all about yours/your friends/your cousin's sisters brothers friend's and everything that went terribly wrong. Nothing productive will come of this conversation, so please don't upset me by telling her horror stories. Seriously, what are you trying to accomplish?

8.) Was this planned? Were you guys trying? No, I was wasted and being utterly irresponsible, and now I am knocked up with a love child.  (which for the record is not the case with me, at least the irresponsible part love child part- I was on the pill! ) Are you serious people?  Why would you ask this question?  One- it is none of your business, two- there is no way for a pregnant lady to gracefully answer this question if it was not planned.

9.) Wow! Are you so excited? I bet this is the best time of your life!  Yes, somedays I am excited. And for some people, being pregnant probably is a joyous time.   But if you ask this question on a day where I am feeling scared, anxious, and/or nervous, this question makes me feel down right shitty and guilty if I am not feeling that way today. And for me, this would be the best time of my life if Lee was here, but having my husband in Afghanistan adds a lot of weight on my shoulders when it comes to being excited and enjoying this time.  It is 100% normal for us preggos (especially with our first) to feel a range of emotions- literally go from excited and making plans for family traditions, to scared shitless and sure I am going to be the worst mother alive and ruin my child.  I have felt all emotions, and when people ask me "How excited you are" it really makes me uncomfortable if that day I am feeling nervous. or scared.  or anything else. 

 And lastly- Don't walk up to a pregnant lady and start touching her belly.  Unless I know you and we are friends, keep your hands off.  I wouldn't walk up to you and touch your belly, would i?